Snow and Sun
by mutemwija
Summary: "Did you come here knowing how you felt or are you only now realizing that… you wanted more?"


_This is the standalone of the prompt_ Snow _in my_ Pridecember Collection _. Enjoy :)_

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Snow and Sun

The snow had been falling relentlessly for hours now. He didn't know how long he'd been standing here at the window and watched the white flakes cover the world outside in a pristine and sterile blanket.

He was inside, in this huge room and yet he could feel the cold as if the snow was falling right on his body, as if it was covering him, burying him under it. He could feel the frost cracking in his bones but he couldn't move away either. It was mesmerizing and he felt as if he was glued to the spot. Somewhere in the distance he thought he saw the flicker of a light but otherwise the night was dark. The snow was only illuminated the dim light that fell through the window. His shadow was on the glass as well but it was somewhat blurred and his breath left frost patterns on the window, so beautiful and pure. The exact opposite of him.

He felt alone and forgotten, like he had been in his puzzle until Yugi had solved it.

Just as cold and dark and forgotten.

And lonely.

He reached his hand out and traced the snowflakes with his finger, as if he could predict their fall. But it was a wild, unclear dance, uncoordinated and confusing. The only thing they had all in common was that they ultimately reached a place to lie down, to rest in the company of thousand other flakes until at one day they'd melt and be forgotten again.

"No matter how long you look at it the snow will fall in the same way to earth."

Kaiba's voice behind him jerked him out of his thoughts and when he turned he spotted his rival sitting on the sofa, his back to him and cards in his hand as if he was sorting through them for his next duel.

Atem frowned. He couldn't remember that Kaiba had been here and didn't hear him come in either. But he _was_ here and Atem felt both, happy and relieved about it. He couldn't care less about the _when_ and _how_ whenhe could feel the warmth he emitted from where he was sitting in this large room and he was drawn to him. Fairly he'd always been drawn to him in a way but this time was different. This was another kind of appeal, a deeper sort of affection and it made him nervous.

"Just come here already." Kaiba groaned and beckoned him closer without turning around.

To say Atem was _a little_ surprised was an understatement but he was sitting next to Kaiba's side in a heartbeat. Again he didn't wonder how and when he came here, it was only important that he was closer to him now. The other's warmth was even more present now and Atem's heaved a long and deep sigh when he felt the coldness in his bones cracking. It was like Kaiba was thawing him.

They sit like that, in companionable silence for so long that Atem forgets the time completely. He enjoyed having Kaiba so close and for once not throwing wits or attacks at each other. It was and felt so different and new and he wanted more of that.

"For your next duel?" He asked after a while and gestured to the pile of cards on the table that Kaiba had looked through before.

Kaiba nodded. "Our battle isn't over yet."

Something about these words let Atem pause and he felt something in the back of his head, a soft tugging but he pushed it down and concentrated all his mind on Kaiba and forced his next words out. "We could always… do something else, you know? Something that doesn't involve our cards, just… _us_."

Again Kaiba surprised Atem by actually _putting his cards_ _down_ and slowly setting them all back on the table. Then he turned his body to look Atem straight in the eye. "You'd want that?"

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't."

"Point taken."

Atem chuckled. This was weird, talking to Kaiba like that, being so close to him and him being content with that. He had been sure if he so much as breathed that he valued Kaiba as more than just his rival, the other would brick himself in again. But Kaiba still sat in this close proximity to him still focused his blue eyes on Atem's and the warmth from his body had completely lulled the pharaoh by now.

Their knees were grazing each other, their shoulders too and Atem knew if he'd lean over just an inch, just a little more he could _really_ touch him, he could actually...

"Usually you don't need so long to make your next move." Kaiba interrupted his thoughts and moved again, even closer still. "Or do you pass and let me?"

Atem's heart beats hard and heavy against his rips and he could feel the warmth creeping up in his cheeks. He waited for Kaiba to tease him and he could feel him getting irritated but Atem was too nervous, too surprised by Kaiba's sudden change in behavior. His rival probably enjoyed to see him like that too. Quite a dilemma he got himself into.

A few times he opened and closed his mouth without saying anything and slowly but surely he became annoyed and irritated with himself. The moment would be over if he waited any longer. He didn't understand what was happening at all and there was more than one thing off with this but he couldn't let this go by without acting on it. Not when he had thought about it for so long.

With a low grunt he closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against Kaiba's, already anticipating that he would be pushed away instantly.

Instead Kaiba pulled him closer, pulled him onto his lap and pressed him close to his body as they shared a soft kiss, almost chaste and shy, like a first try, a humble request for more while waiting for affirmation. Their tongues met in a sensual way and Atem's hands wandered to Kaiba's neck and held him in place while his thumbs stroke his cheeks lazily as if to reassure himself that he, that _this_ was real.

He blamed his chilled hands for the lack of feeling under his fingertips.

And then just as sudden as he had responded Kaiba let go of him and Atem needed a moment to open his eyes again to look at his rival again.

"You're not honest with me." Atem blinked and moved back a little while Kaiba crossed his arms over his chest and stared expectantly at him. "Tell me what's going on. Tell me the truth."

So this was his punishment for not telling him, huh. Fair enough, he had to admit. He should have told him from the beginning, even if Kaiba wouldn't believe him at least he would have been honest with him then. This thought triggered something in him. He didn't know what it was, what it was that started to light up in his inside. But he wanted to continue where they just stopped so badly, to go even further that he ignored it and opened his mouth again, willing the words to come over his lips properly this time.

"I uhm… It's nice to sit here like this, with you by my side." Kaiba nodded once, uncrossed his arms and traced his hands up his arms sensationally as if to urge him on. "To feel you breathing, your warmth, your smell… I like it."

Kaiba leaned closer to him again, his breath tickling Atem's skin with every word. "Is that so, Yugi?"

"Not… Yugi." Why did Kaiba still call him that? Didn't he know his name? Hadn't he told him? He was one of his friends he should know his name, right? He had to tell him, why hadn't he already? "My name is Atem."

"Atem…" Kaiba repeated and Atem shivered although he wasn't cold anymore, he was rather hot really.

He nodded and then pulled Kaiba into another kiss, this one harsher, more passionate than the first one. A soft moan escaped Atem as Kaiba shoved his tongue into his mouth and his hands made their way down his back to rest at his hips. He was so hot suddenly he could barely take it and he broke away abruptly but reluctantly.

"Kaiba…" He was shaking a little when he cupped Kaiba's face in his hands and put their foreheads together. "I want to spend more time, like this. With you."

Kaiba's eyes grew wide for a second before they took on an expression that Atem couldn't decipher. If anything he looked… sad and Atem felt this pull at his mind again, stronger this time and he realized he didn't have much time left. When Kaiba suddenly leaned back, Atem felt trapped under his gaze, he was unable to look away, unable to move and unable to hold onto him any longer.

„Why?" He asked, his voice suddenly distant and harsh, his blue eyes so close to Atem's pierce through him like an icicle and he has difficulties in finding his voice.

"I… don't know why. I can't explain it. I just know that it is like that. It is what I want." He pressed the words over his lips as fast as he could because he felt like it was about time he said it, as if they could be the last words he'd say to him.

He could feel his consciousness slipping further and further away with every passing second. He tried to grip at it desperately, tried to hold himself together, to stay in Kaiba's lap but he knew it was futile. And then Kaiba spoke again the world around him shattered to pieces.

"Why didn't you tell me this when you were alive?"

He stared for just a second and this one second was enough for Kaiba to dissipate right before his eyes. He reached out to him, frantically trying to stop _that_ from happening _again_ , not _again_ but his hands slipped through Kaiba's head and shoulder without any resistance and then he wass gone and Atem fell into blackness.

He gasps and opens his eyes with a snap to the blinding brightness of the sunlight that floods his royal chamber. It's so hot here, in contrast to his dream and he longs to go back there, to the cool winter day and snuggle against Kaiba once more.

But it's not possible.

He's not with Kaiba, or Yugi or anyone of his friends anymore.

He left through the door without looking back, without really telling them goodbye. He didn't get to see Kaiba again.

He's made his decision and he has so live with it now. There was no going back.

He's dead.

And he had _that_ dream again.

By now he should be used to it, to the feelings it brings him and the overwhelming doubts. But he was far from that. He was losing himself in this dream more and more.

And he found himself wishing it would be real.

Just once.

That he could sit next to Kaiba like that just once and _not_ duel, just talk and… well spend time with him.

And maybe kiss him too.

Not just once, again and again and again until he was out of breath and couldn't think about doing anything else.

Yeah, that would be something.

Something that would indeed never happen.

 _Why didn't you tell me this when you were alive?_ Kaiba's last words still reverberate through him, accusing, infuriated and hurt in their sound but Atem would never know if Kaiba could really sound like that or if it was just a part of his imagination.

But regardless of how much he might have wanted to say anything even remotely close to what he said in his dream… "I couldn't, could I?" He murmurs as if to reassure himself and a shiver runs down his spine, making him feel just as cold as in his dream. Except this time, Kaiba isn't there to warm him up.

"My pharaoh?"

The sudden knock on his door lets him jerk and he has to remind himself that however similar the voice sounds, it _isn't_ the _same_ person. But still he stares at the man stepping into his chamber now and immediately wills his brain to search for all the tiny details that distinguish him from the man of his dreams.

But it gets harder and harder to resist every time.

"My pharaoh?"

Seth repeats, more concerned this time and steps closer until he's standing right before his bed but Atem still doesn't react, he's too occupied with trying to get rid of the remnants of his dream. This has to stop. He _has_ to let go.

"Atem…" His ears jerk at the sound of his name. It sounded so different when Kaiba said it although the voice is almost the same. Almost. "Did you have a nightmare?"

He still doesn't say anything, only stares ahead as he tries to focus on here and now, although that doesn't seem too good an option either.

Seth sighs at Atem's dazed look and he slowly sits down next to him. The dropping mattress wakes Atem up and he instinctively draws his legs up to hide the visible evidence that his dream had been the exact opposite of a nightmare – at least at the beginning.

"Oh, I see." A soft chuckle escapes the man next to him and he puts his hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to be embarrassed, cousin. You're not the first one this has happened to."

Atem grunts and shakes his hand off, because for one he doesn't like his teasing and he really can't bear his touch right now. He hugs his knees closer to his chest and finally turns his head away. "I'm having my life backwards." His low grumble draws another chuckle from his cousin's lips and Atem grips his legs harder, digs his nails almost painfully into his skin and wills his nervous heart to slow down and his hot blood to cool.

But how can he when he's so damn close?

They were so alike in so many things and yet so different in even more. He can't stand being so close to him and at the same time wants to be near him.

Out of the corner of his eyes he glances at him, his sharp, handsome features and deep blue eyes seem to challenge him like they had always done and the grip on his legs hardens further.

Atem knows if he leans over just an inch, just a little more he can _really_ touch him, he can actually take what he longs for but he know this is last thing he must refrain from. His desire belonged to someone else and he wouldn't betray him. Even if he would never seem him again, even if it was a losing game, he couldn't do that.

"Can I ask you something?" Seth's voice brings him out of his thoughts and he turns his head back to look at him. They've not talked about it until now but Atem is sure his cousin knows about his inner turmoil. After all, he's his cousin, his priest, his friend and he had had a lot of time to watch him. And the way he looked at him made it obvious. He was looking right through him, he was judging him, for putting Kaiba through the same as him all those years ago. So although he had a good clue on what this question would be he nodded slowly. It took Seth just a moment more to open his mouth again and his voice was heavy when he did. "Did you come here knowing how you felt or are you only now realizing that… you wanted more?"

For a moment Atem just stares at Seth but he isn't able to hold his gaze and he casts his eyes down. Of course it's a sign of weakness, a confession of guilt and he's ashamed for it but on the other hand, there's no reason to lie to Seth anyway. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself for his own words as best as he can.

"At first I thought I'm imagining and making more out of it than there really was…I thought I had it under control. I thought… it would stop, eventually. And it's only now that I realize…" He pauses, closes his eyes and grits his teeth with such force that his head starts to hammer. "How terribly, stupidly wrong I was."

Seth says nothing at first and Atem takes his time to open his eyes again only to see his successor gazing out of the window with a hard expression.

"The same goes for him." He says matter-of-factly, eyes still fixed on a point out of Atem's reach, almost as if he's waiting or searching for something or someone. "He wouldn't have done all what he has if he felt different."

"He's not like that."

"He's _exactly_ like that and you _know_ it." His voice, just like his eyes that are fixed on him again, hides nothing of the disapproval and anger towards his cousin but Atem is still appalled at the unfiltered wrath directed at him. "You didn't even grant him the chance to say goodbye to you." Atem is cold all over again, like the snow is in his bones again and for the first time since he came here understands what it feels like to be _dead_. Seth lets out a dry, bitter laugh, the sound so damn familiar in Atem's ears and then he shrugs. "That's one more thing I share with him."

Atem frowns at these words and Seth sighs.

"I know he always claimed that he and I have nothing in common, that we're two different people and that indeed is true. But there are some things… and _sentiments_ that we share. My feelings for Kisara live on in his obsession with the Blue Eyes White Dragon. He always wanted to beat you while I was just trying to show you how strong I was. I worshipped you as my king, my cousin, you became a king again and he admired you for it. In a different way of course but he did. And just like with me…" He pauses and tears his eyes away from whatever point he was looking at and pierces Atem with them again. "And just like with me all those years ago you left him too."

Atem stares at him, unblinking, unyielding, stunned to silence by the words he just heard. A thousand unsaid words flow between them, a thousand feelings more and Atem holds his breath when Seth put a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

"Atem…" He says again with this low voice of his and Atem finds himself drawn to him so much, finds himself unable to resist and he touches his wrist to keep his hand close. They stay like that for a while, alternately leaning in or leaning away and Atem fights against himself and his desire but he just can't pull away completely. So he holds still and listens to his cousin's words. "Everything I did was to grant you your rest among your friends. I did what I did to make sure that one day you'd come back home to me. I didn't leave _anything_ to chance because above all else I wanted to make sure you'd be safe and happy one day. I wanted to ensure you'd be with me again and no matter how long it took, I'd be here waiting for you. The only thing I didn't include in my account was my own soul's desire to be close to you. So now that you're finally back with me, I have to let you go for good."

There's a moment of silence between them in which they just look into each other's eyes without moving closer or further away and then Atem realizes the last sentence.

"What…" He has to clear his throat because his voice is just rasping. "What do you mean let me go?"

Seth gives him a smile, then stands up and puts some well needed distance between them while his eyes never leave Atem's face as if he needs to see his every reaction before saying his next words. "He's here."

Atem blinks confused, perplex while he processes the information and when the meaning finally enters his brain his eyes grow wide and his jaw drops.

"You mean… _Kaiba_ is…"

"Walking through the town at this very moment. He should reach the palace in about three minutes." Seth laughs again, this time it's an impressed, proud one though. "He made the impossible possible."

"But he can't…" Atem _can't_ believe it and he stares at his cousin for an explanation. " _How_?"

A shrug is all he gets. "He's _Seto Kaiba_."

It's so weird to hear that sentence out of Seth's mouth and Atem blinks some more. And then he realizes _what_ all this actually means and he can't help but laugh. "Well, I should probably go greet him then, shouldn't I?"

Seth nods while he hands him his crown and cape and suddenly Atem feels so giddy he can barely keep himself from grinning like an idiot as he dresses himself properly.

Kaiba is here, he's in _duat,_ he will actually see him again, he can duel him once more, he can _talk_ to him. There are so many things he wants to tell him, he doesn't even know where to start.

Well, a duel is probably best for starters, right?

He practically jumps out of his bed to grab his diadhank and then moves to his mirror to apply some coal around his eyes.

Or… is he still dreaming?

No, the dream had felt different than this. This was… _crazy._

Kaiba was _crazy_.

And, god help him, he _loved_ him for it.

He feels Seth's eyes in his back the whole time though and it pierces his heart a little. He wonders if he should say something, if it's appropriate to behave like that when his cousin just lay his heart down before him but again Seth beats him to it when he starts talking again.

"I should go and tell Kisara he's here. She'll want to see him too." At Atem's surprised face, Seth rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "She's his biggest fan. She loves this… what is it called? This _jet_ that looks like her dragon. It's ridiculous."

Atem can't help but chuckle softly. "Is it?"

His cousin throws him a condemning look and Atem swallows his laughter down and clears his throat a little awkwardly before going back to apply the coal around his eyes.

"Still he'll never fly her the way I did."

Atem almost messes up his eyeliner at those words and for yet another moment simply stares at his cousin's proud face. Then he chuckles again. "Go tell that to his face."

"Don't tempt me."

They grin at each other and Atem shakes his head amused and relieved that they are able to talk like that. He knows what Kisara means to Seth and he knows what he means to him and he knows just how much it takes to let somebody you care about go. It's admirable and he envies his cousin for this strength.

Seth nods and walks to the door but Atem stops him before he can leave. There's one last thing he has to know.

„Seth… is this really… Are you okay with that?"

His cousin stops by the door but doesn't turn around when he speaks, only straightens his back. "Would my answer make any difference?" Atem opens his mouth but no sound comes out and he only shakes his head slowly after a while, knowing full well that Seth can't see him. He still doesn't turn around and Atem realizes with a start that he's relieved about that. "It's been an awfully long time, over 3000 years, Atem. Sure that doesn't mean my feelings have changed but… the past is over, _our_ _time_ is over and there's no need to dwell about it, we can't change it. We had our chance and didn't take it. We made mistakes; you even made some of them twice. But it's different now. You and Kaiba have something we never had…" He finally turns and Atem stops breathing. "You're equals. And he came here for you. He's giving you another chance…" His eyes pierce through Atem. "Take it. And make the best of it."

The air leaves Atem's lungs and after his breathing evened again, he manages to smile and nods. "I will." He didn't plan on doing anything else.

Seth nods too, but doesn't return the smile and then he's out the door, leaving Atem alone to ready himself.

For Kaiba, for himself, for all that might happen now.

For all the things he's now able to tell him.

And he will.

 _After_ their duel.

He glances into the mirror one last time, takes a deep breath and then makes his way into the throne room.


End file.
